Greetings dearest ’finders,
I’ve spent the last year hard at work, snooping on investigating the Paizo work chats and finding the best snippets to take and store out of context and present to the team later as inspiration for our annual April Fools’ Day article. This year, we present you with guides to housekeeping, gossiping, beating speedrunning records, making peace with those pesky dust bunnies, and more!With love and shenanigans,
Maryssa Mari
Venture Gossip Web Content Manager
A Domestic Wizard’s Guide to Housekeeping: Dust Bunny
Felix Dritz
In pursuit of your studies, it’s often easy to ignore daily chores and cleanliness. While those more adept at magic often choose to leave their day-to-day cleaning to a phantasmal minion, it’s crucial to take time in your day to verify your summon’s work. Too often a vague order will lead to them brushing things under cupboards, moving all stray objects into unorganized bins, or placing books on shelves at random. While the disorganization of your possessions is certainly lamentable, it can become frightful if dust is left to collect in neglected corners and under furniture! When this dust collects near magical sources, the debris can gain sentience, becoming a dust bunny.
You may find these little creatures charming, but beware. While the creation of dust bunnies can take little thought, their care and maintenance are something that many young wizards lack knowledge of. Those unprepared to take care of a dust bunny had best sweep it into a containment bin, lest their accidental creation consume their study and home.
Dust Bunny Familiar
If you, despite the warning, desire a dust bunny companion, or perhaps you have one by accident and are willing to care for it, this section is for you. Dust bunnies greatly enjoy company and will often desire to lie on your lap or desk. Wherever they keep you company, ensure the area is regularly cleaned of any new or shed debris; otherwise, another dust bunny may form.
To feed your dust bunny, simply keep the collections from your daily housekeeping. However, if you notice they begin growing to an unreasonable size, be sure to limit their portions, as they have been known to grow to the size of large dogs.
It’s important to remember that having formed of their own accord, dust bunnies are highly independent. While this makes them great companions and assistants, this also makes dust bunnies prone to making mischief, often spreading dirt out of spite or simply by wasting away. One should be vigilant for such things, for more dust and debris creates the perfect environment for new dust bunnies to form, and one can quickly be overrun with an infestation of dust bunnies!
Dust Bunny
Construct
Required Number of Abilities 4Granted Abilities construct, independent, play dead (Pathfinder Lost Omens Tian Xia Character Guide 124), skilled (arcana)
Kick Up Dust [two-actions] (manipulate) Frequency once per hour; Effect Your dust bunny shakes and kicks to stir up dust in a 5-foot emanation. Each creature in the area must attempt a Fortitude save against the higher of your class DC or spell DC. A creature that fails its save begins sneezing uncontrollably and is slowed 1 and cannot take reactions for 1 round; on a critical failure they are slowed 2.Dust Bunny Swarm
Dust bunnies in particular are prone to swarming. This can occur when a large number are left alone for a long period of time and are then disturbed by adventurers or a returning wizard. Other times, a singular dust bunny familiar grows in such numbers (and they will rapidly reproduce!) that a wizard cannot hope to keep them all placated with food and attention. In this situation, they will unionize in rebellion against their master.
It is paramount that you do not allow a dust bunny to multiply, for once a swarm has formed, they are nigh impossible to get rid of. While relatively easy to disperse and unlikely to kill anyone, they will re-form within the week unless the area is immaculately cleaned.
Dust Bunny Swarm Creature 1
Rare, Large, Construct, Swarm
Perception +7
Skills Arcana, Athletics +3, Stealth +7
Str +0, Dex +2, Con +0, Int –4, Wis +0, Cha +2
AC 13; Fort +7, Ref +5, Will +3HP 16; Immunities bleed, death effects, disease, doomed, drained, fatigued, grappled, healing, nonlethal attacks, paralyzed, poison, precision, prone, restrained, sickened, spirit, swarm mind, unconscious, vitality, void; Weaknesses area damage 4, splash damage 4; Resistances physical 6 (except bludgeoning)
Cloud of Allergens [reaction] Trigger The swarm rolls initiative; Effect The dust bunnies stir, kicking up a cloud in a 15-foot burst centered on the swarm that lasts for 1 minute. Creatures who enter or start their turn in this cloud must attempt a DC 16 Fortitude save or take a –1 circumstance penalty to skill checks that have the concentration trait and all Perception checks as their sensory organs become impaired.
Dust to Dust When a dust bunny swarm is destroyed, it re-forms after 2d4 days in the area in which it was destroyed unless the location has been significantly cleaned of all dust and debris.
Speed 30 feet
Pummeling Dust [one-action] Each enemy in the swarm’s space takes 1d6 bludgeoning damage with a DC 16 basic Reflex save. A creature that fails its save cannot use reactions for 1 round as they sneeze uncontrollably.
Venture-Gossip (Archetype)
Shay Snow
Venture-Gossip is not only the name of a beloved agent of the Pathfinder Society who has dedicated herself to bringing all of the lurid, gruesome stories to Absalom’s streets—it’s also the name of a popular tabloid newsletter that appears across Golarion, primarily wherever there’s a Pathfinder Society lodge. There isn’t just one venture-gossip: there are hundreds. Hundreds of Pathfinders with loads of stories and rumors that they collect and then forward along to the Ink Worker’s United Printing Press, a unionized printing press based out of Absalom. Formally, only one name is associated with Venture-Gossip: Agent Kitsch of the Office of Supplies and Procurement. However, no one truly believes that she’s behind any of this, as the older ysoki is known to misplace just about everything, from poison flasks to important cursed artifacts.
Additional Feats:4th Distracting Flattery (Player Core 2 195), Gossip Lore (Player Core 2 195); 7th Fabricated Connections (Player Core 2 195), Party Crasher (Player Core 2 195), Quick Change (Player Core 2 219), Read Shibboleths (Player Core 2 203), Subjective Truth (Player Core 2 219), 8th Crude Communication (Player Core 2 203)
Venture-Gossip Dedication — Feat 4
Archetype, Dedication, Pathfinder Agent
Prerequisites member of the Pathfinder Society, Pathfinder Agent DedicationLook, the motto of the Pathfinder Society is “explore, report, cooperate” and you’re just reporting what you hear! Is all of it accurate or true? Maybe not, but hey, you can tell a great story and you know how to keep your readers hooked and eating out of the palm of your hand. Ambrus Valsin of the Grand Lodge may disapprove of your methods, but hey, he’s not your real boss.
Eando isn’t either.
We’ll go with Zarta.
Wait, no, Sheila. Sheila appreciates a good gossip column. You’re now from Magnimar. Always have been.
You have two identities: your day job as a Pathfinder agent, and your real job, one of the many voices that make up the Venture-Gossip tabloid. If someone attempts to figure out if you’re a venture-gossip, they must use a Seek action to attempt a Perception check against one of your influence skills of your choice: Deception, Diplomacy, or Intimidation. Your DC is 20 + your proficiency modifier.
If you are discovered to be part of Venture-Gossip, you can spend 1 week of downtime convincing others that you’ve never even read that tabloid, much less contributed to it!
You gain the following action, allowing you to collect more information for your column.
Tell Me More [two-actions] (fortune) Target one creature that shares a language you speak; Requirements You’re not in combat; Effect Just batting your eyes and giving someone a familiar nudge can get them talking, ready to spill the beans about everything and everyone around them. You roll twice on all rolls to influence the target and use the better result.
Special You can select the dedication feat for this archetype even if you haven’t yet gained three feats from the Pathfinder Agent archetype.
Verbose Distraction [reaction] — Feat 6
Archetype, Auditory
Prerequisites Venture-Gossip Archetype
Trigger You are the target of a physical melee attack.
You talk so much it can be distracting to your enemies and you’re often quick to remind your enemies that you’re just a little guy! You don’t need to be targeted! You don’t need to be the focus of their frustrations! Have they tried writing to their mom or talking to a local priest of Desna? Ow!
You gain a +2 circumstance bonus to your AC against the triggering attack.Hey! Over Here! [reaction] — Feat 6
Archetype, Auditory
Prerequisites Venture-Gossip Archetype
Trigger An ally within 30 feet rolls a saving throw against an auditory effect.
Hey! Don’t listen to that! That’s bad sounds! Listen to me! Would you like to hear about how the high priest of the Abadaran church in Absalom’s Petals District is having an affair with an Urgathoan cleric? Yeah, I’m thinking about calling the article “Boney Money!”
Your targeted ally treats the result of their saving throw as one degree of success better. Once an ally has been targeted by this effect, they’re immune for 24 hours.A Little Bird Told Me… [two-actions] — Feat 8
Archetype, Concentrate, Manipulate, Polymorph
Prerequisites Venture-Gossip Archetype
You transform into a small bird, such as a finch or a sparrow, allowing you to eavesdrop on others and gain information you wouldn’t otherwise be able to acquire. You become Tiny, gain the animal trait, and you can’t make Strikes. You can Dismiss the effect to return to your normal shape, and you resume your normal shape automatically if you’re reduced to 0 Hit Points.
You gain the following statistics and abilities:
AC = 20 + your level. Ignore your armor’s check penalty and Speed reduction.
Fly speed 25 feet.
Weakness 5 to physical damage.
Low-light vision and imprecise scent 30 feet.
Acrobatics and Stealth modifiers of +10, unless your own is higher; Athletics modifier –4.Define “Report” [free-action] — Feat 10
Archetype, Fortune
Prerequisites Venture-Gossip Archetype; master in Diplomacy
Look, getting caught in a lie is a normal part of venture-gossip life. Sometimes you have to give a sheepish smile and apologize for what you’ve done. When you fail a Deception check, reroll with your Diplomacy modifier. On a success, there are no hard feelings and the other person’s attitude condition doesn’t worsen. On a critical success, you can attempt the Deception again with no consequences.Catch and Kill [reaction] — Feat 12
Archetype
Prerequisites Venture-Gossip Archetype
Trigger A creature within your reach uses a move action, or leaves a square during a move action it’s using.
When you’ve decided to quash a story, no one can escape from you with any incriminating information. Make a melee Strike against the triggering creature. On a hit, the triggering creature is Grabbed, and on a critical hit, they’re slowed 1. This Strike doesn’t count toward your multiple attack penalty, and your multiple attack penalty doesn’t apply to this Strike.Muckraking [three-actions] — Feat 16
Archetype, Auditory, Concentrate, Emotion, Mental
Prerequisites Venture-Gossip Archetype
It seems like your knowledge has come in handy after all and you have your enemy at your feet. Pulling out your fan mail, you read your fans’ scathing remarks about your enemy to their face, letting them feel just how much everyone hates them and everything that they’ve done. They hate the way that they walk, they hate the way that they talk.
Your enemy takes 10d10 mental damage, with a basic Will save. On a critical failure, they’re off-guard until the beginning of your next turn and lose all reactions, except to cry, loudly.
Illustration by Vlad Hladkova
Speedrunning
Eleanor Ferron
Speedrun Strats — Feat 1
Whenever you take a move action to Stride, you can attempt a DC 15 Acrobatics check to roll forward.
Critical SuccessYou gain 5 extra feet of movement to your Speeds and can move through solid obstacles such as walls until the end of your Stride action.
SuccessYou gain 5 extra feet of movement to your Speeds until the end of your Stride action.
FailureYou lose 5 feet of movement from your Speeds until the end of your Stride action.
Critical FailureYour character softlocks and is paralyzed permanently. Only awish ritual or similar magic can reverse this effect.
Caption
Rt5rrmn
It seems that every time I roll dice my cat Auryn feels that he must help, same as he loves to type to others when I am working online. So, I decided to put him to work, helping to create a creature based on his adorable face that could hopefully play with others around the world. The result is the creature found below. (Most numbers were decided by him, and all special ability names were decided by him
walking acrosstyping on my keyboard.)Ivis Flanagan
The rt5rrmn is a catlike creature that loves to purr at those they encounter, convincing others to pamper them instead of fight. It would rather be friends than enemies, but if spooked it will viciously attack whoever is in its sights. If they aren’t able to make friends, the rt5rrmn will quickly grow defensive, and leap to attack.
Rt5rrmn — Creature 8
Small, Animal, Fey
Perception +20; scent (imprecise) 60 feet
Languages Common (can’t speak any language)
Skills Athletics +20, Acrobatics +22, Stealth +17
Str +5, Dex +3, Con +4, Int +1, Wis +1, Cha +6
AC 36; Fort +15, Ref +35, Will +22
HP 172But I’m Adorable [reaction] Trigger An enemy targets the rt5rrmn with a melee attack; Effect The rt5rrmn erkijs, the vibrating sound convincing the enemy to stop hurting it. The target must attempt a DC 26 Will save.
Critical Success The target is unaffected, ignoring the seduction of the erkij.
Success The target is fascinated by the rt5rrmn’s erkij until the end of the rt5rrmn’s next turn.
Failure As success, and the target is slowed 1 as it focuses on the rt5rrmn’s erkij.
Critical Failure As failure, but the target is slowed 2.Extra Reverberation If the rt5rrmn is targeted with an ability that restores Hit Points, it gains an additional use of But I’m Adorable that lasts until the end of its next turn.
Speed 35 feet
Melee [one-action] b9000 (finesse), Damage 3d8+12 piercing plus Improved Grab
Melee [one-action] g7ujik (agile, finesse), Damage 3d6+12 slashing, plus rt5rrmn yyumnPay Attention to Me [two-actions] The rt5rrmn erkijs again at a creature that is affected by But I’m Adorable. The target must attempt a DC 26 Will save.
Success The target is unaffected.
Failure The target creature drops all of its held weapons.
Critical Failure As failure, but the target must also spend the first action of its next turn petting the rt5rrmn.Yidsfh [two-actions] The rt5rrmn Strides and then makes two g7ujik Strikes at a single target. Both count toward its multiple attack penalty, but the penalty increases only after both attacks are made. The rt5rrmn must be able to move at least half its Speed to yidsfh.
Rt5rrmn Yyumn (disease) Saving Throw Fortitude DC 24; Maximum Duration 1 week; Stage 1 sickened 1 (1 hour); Stage 2 sickened 1 and the creature can’t reduce its sickened value below 1 (1 day); Stage 3 sickened 2 and the creature can’t reduce its sickened value below 1 (1 day)
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